Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Shimmy What Your Momma Gave You

I recently was a facilitator of a panel discussion at a national industry conference.  I stood on a stage alongside four industry peers discussing best practices to a crowd of 200 people or so.  Most were at the management level within their own firm and they showed up to hear my group talk.  Folks, this was a BIG deal!

We were polished.  We were professional.  We shared great information.  We were bad ass.

Then it happened.  As I was being the epitome of professionalism on a national stage a bug flew down my dress.

I never saw it happen.  I felt it.

At first, I thought it was imaginary.  So I did a very subtle scratch of the dress I was wearing.  THEN. IT. MOVED.

OH. SHIT!

I have never wanted to scream like a little girl so badly.  I was torn between being professional while listening to my counterparts during our presentation and REALLY WANTING TO FREAK OUT.  I prayed that the bug would voluntarily die.  I prayed that I could contain my composure.  I prayed that I wouldn't involuntarily rip my dress off on stage and stomp the SHIT out of it like I was making wine out of it.

Prayers work, folks.  They really do.

I survived the rest of the session and no one knew how much distress I was in.  I told some of my co-presenters about what happened and they laughed.  Then I loudly declared I was going to shimmy the five blocks back to my office to get whatever bug leftovers there were out of my dress.

I honestly cannot make this kind of stuff up.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Share a Coke with who?!

I have been dating a lovely man for a while now and I try to keep my personal life personal.  I don't change my status on social media or express my feelings for all of the cyberworld to see.  My relationship is personal but, gosh dangit, we have some hilarious times that need to be blogged about.  So for the sake of blogging ... I'm introducing you to the boyfriend.  We will call him Nunya.  (As in Nunya Business.)

A few weeks ago I was at Nunya's house and I was being overly dramatic about how he never had Diet Coke in the house.  He has Diet Dr. Pepper but I prefer Diet Coke.  So I was being my usual bratty self and exclaiming how he never puts my wants or needs first.

Nunya said, "Whoa! Did you check the fridge?"  I said I had.  He said, "You didn't look hard enough. There is a Diet Coke in there."  I double checked and sure enough there was one Diet Coke can in the fridge.  Just for me.

That single can reminded me how lucky I am to have a wonderful man in my life.  Then I turned the can around.

"Uh, Nunya, do we need to have a talk?"  Him, "What do you mean?"  I showed him the can.
I know it is regular Coke. It is what the Internet had on hand.
We laughed for a long time.  Then I laughed even longer thinking about how legendary a story that would have been to be broken up by a Coke can.  Then I started day dreaming of all the other ways a Coke can could start a difficult conversation.  If you go to http://www.shareacoke.com/#bottle you can test it out.

Monday, September 29, 2014

I Can't Do Somber

As I wrote earlier here, I spent this past weekend remembering my Aunt Brenda.  The service was wonderful and right on the mark with everything she would have enjoyed.  My cousins did an amazing job of allowing family and friends to celebrate their mom.

I have a very close knit family.  When I think of my childhood, 90% of my memories include my extended family.  Even though we live in different cities and states we always pick up right where we left off at our last visit.  It is a very natural feeling being around so many people that I love and cherish.  For the longest time I thought everyone's family was this way.  However, I have come to find out that many of my friends don't know their cousins or interact with aunts and uncles the way I fortunately do.

At Aunt Brenda's funeral service on Saturday I sat next to her daughter, Teche.  Teche was my older sister when I was growing up.  She usually teamed up with my oldest brother to leave me behind when they wanted to go play without me.  But she also had some really cool toys that Aunt Brenda let me play with without Teche knowing so I feel like we are even.

I can't remember what Teche and I were talking about sitting in the pew waiting for the services to start but it had us in stitches laughing.  And we were trying to be quiet with our laughing because it was a funeral.  But then we started laughing harder because we were trying to keep it in.  And then it happened.

I snorted.  Loudly.
Which then made us REALLY lose it.  I was mortified.  Teche couldn't stop pointing and laughing.  It was a horrible circle of laughing really hard and trying to be quiet about it.

When the services were about to get started an announcement was made to please turn all cell phones on silent.  I thought they were also going to say "Teche and Julie ... please separate."

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Middle Finger to the Big C

This weekend I will be celebrating the life of my Aunt Brenda.  She passed away after battling lung cancer.
No idea when this was taken but that is one heck of a bouffant.
First, let me say that I love my aunt.  I have very fond memories of her.  I loved her laugh, her mannerisms, and her unconditional love.  She was a remarkable woman that I always admired.  Some of my best childhood memories involve playing at her house with my brothers and cousins.  I would sleepover sometimes and watch movies I wasn't supposed to watch with my cousins ... like 'Backdraft'.  (Go figure.)  I still remember her bringing me destination t-shirts when she would travel with my uncle.  Something I do to this day for my nephews and nieces.
My mom is holding me as I stare at the cake. I still look at cakes the same way. Aunt Brenda is on the far right. This was the 80's ... EVERYTHING is brownish.
Second, cancer can go fuck itself.  If you are offended by this statement then you haven't seen what cancer can do to a loved one.  It is a horrible disease.  If cancer was something I could kick in the nuts I would do so on an hourly basis.  I could go into a tirade of all the things I think about cancer but I have an extensive vulgar vocabulary and would hate for this blog to get banned.

So this weekend I get to remember all the good memories of my aunt.  Like how my Aunt Brenda would listen to audio books in the car when she traveled long distances.  She said it helped her stay awake.  I tested it out once and she was TOTALLY right.  So now I listen to audio books in the car on trips.  I'm actually listening to audio books on my way to Houston for the funeral service.  She would have loved that.
Christmas morning at my grandparents house. Aunt Brenda is standing in the red sweater. I'm on the floor with massive curly bangs covering my face. The 90's were awkward.
My aunt was incredibly courageous and realistic throughout the cancer treatments and illnesses.  She had such a clarity of what life means.  One of her favorite sayings was by Peter De Vries: "We are not put on this Earth to see through one another but to see one another through".  She was a living testament to it.
I imagine this is what my Uncle Mike and Aunt Brenda are doing in heaven now. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Lookin' Like a Tumbleweed

I did a vitality wellness check this morning which meant going to a clinic to have my blood drawn.  Early morning visits are the best for me since you have to fast 12 hours prior and I can get it over with.  In the past, it has taken about 8 minutes from start to finish.  

Except for today.  Today I had Chatty Cathy.  Or whatever the male version of that is ... Talkative Tom.  A young black man that had to tell me EVERYTHING that I didn't want to know.

For example, I know he recently broke up with his girlfriend.  His girlfriend used to do his hair.  His hair now resembles a "tumbleweed".  Those were HIS words ... not mine!  

Another example, he wants to find a new apartment.  He needs a new girlfriend to help pay the bills.  His mom told him to find "one of those silly" girls that will split the bills 50/50.  His mom has men doing stuff for her all the time and she doesn't understand why he hasn't figured out how to have that happen for him yet.

Another example, his mom beat up her husband a few years ago.  But she owns her own company.  So, there's that.

Another example, he wants to buy a motorcycle this week or next.  It'll help attract the new girlfriend.  That he needs so he can split rent bills he can't afford on his own.

I really wanted to scream out "ARE YOU KIDDING?!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!" but he had a needle in my arm so I just said, "Oh, that's interesting."

Friday, August 22, 2014

I can do math! Sort of.

You remember that time that I blogged about making homemade laundry detergent?  You don't?!  Ugh.  People!  Keep up with this stuff ... when our world falls into disarray (more so than it is now) someone will need to make detergent and YOU could be that person.

You could be that hero.  Get your act together.

Let's refresh your memory with this link to my original post about making laundry detergent.  At the bottom of that post I wrote that I wouldn't need to buy more supplies (not counting soap bars) for three years.  And guess what ... I was RIGHT!

I just made my last batch of detergent this morning and I need to buy more washing soda.  Just over 3 years from my original post!  Hot diggity damn!  Give me a Ph. D. in laundry detergent math!!!

The side note to this is that I had to buy store bought detergent a couple of months ago because life got busy and I couldn't go without clean clothes.

And all the pioneer women are giving me a side eye.  

Life happens.  However, my math was still pretty spot on.  Over the past three years I've spent $13.50 (original amount on ingredients), $6 for soaps (thank you very much, dollar store) and $3.49 on store bought detergent.  In total, I spent about $23 on laundry detergent.  OVER THREE YEARS!  That's under $8 a year!
That's enough detergent to wash all of these hippies' clothes!

Monday, June 9, 2014

Red Rover, Red Rover ... can the remote control come back over?

I multi-task a lot.  No joke.  As I'm writing this I'm watching 'Antiques Roadshow' (hoping that something they appraise on the show is worth $300,000 and I just happen to have one in my house ... I got dreams, people!), looking at Facebook, checking my bank account, and looking for images.

Like this one ...
Remote control = the catalyst for American obesity
Why am I bringing up multi-tasking and show an image of a remote control?  Because I'm here to help you, dummy.

I was watching TV, cleaning my bathroom, picking up my bedroom and running through my head the thousands of things I should be doing so I could win "multi-tasking queen of the year".  There is an award for that, right?  NO?!  At least a sash, right?

Sigh.

Anyhoo, during my marathon of multi-tasking I picked up my TV remote.  The remote belongs to a TV that I bought not too long ago.  A TV that I don't know how to turn off without the remote.  And during the multi-tasking I misplaced the remote.

I. MISPLACED. THE. REMOTE.

Did I mention I was watching TV while multi-tasking?  A TV that I don't know how to turn off without the remote.  And, no, I'm not going to unplug it from the wall because I was raised in a trailer park ... not in a zoo.  Don't be weird when you think you can just unplug stuff from the wall and not suffer the consequences.

So I spewed some colorful language.  Then I started to retrace my steps.  But since I'm getting older I couldn't remember all the steps.  It was like a 'Dancing With the Stars' episode but I wasn't wearing Spanx.  However, I was a hot mess.

After 5 minutes of searching for the remote I finally stumbled upon it in my closet.  I felt like I had won Easter and 'Where's Waldo?' by finding that damned remote.  And the first thing I did was turn off the TV.  The second thing I did was place the remote back on the nightstand.

You would think I had learned my lesson about multi-tasking but I was too busy thinking about the next thousand things to accomplish on my to do list.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Compliments = Awkward

I had a co-worker compliment me yesterday saying "purple looks good on you".  My response was "Thank you! That's so nice of you to say."

Kidding.  I'm not normal enough to accept compliments.  But I'm working on it.

Instead, my response was "Are you coming on to me?"  I should point out that the co-worker is female, married and a lovely person.  And didn't deserve my awkwardness.

BUT I CAN'T STOP!

Like the time the CEO of a company saw me scratching lottery tickets.  I asked "So, about that raise?"  If you ever want to stump a CEO (who is not in your company) ask him about raises while trying to win big money.

Or the time I lost track of what I was trying to say during a presentation and did the robot.  I wish I was kidding about that one.