Tuesday, July 19, 2011

If Pigs Flew

This is about to get deep.  Brace yourself for it.
If pigs could actually fly (I hear scientists are currently working on it ... right after they cure cancer) how many people would lose bets?  Or how many wars would end?  Or what would the White House look like at Christmas with Sarah Palin in office?  Just imagine Todd Palin showing off the White House Christmas decor to Today Show's Ann Curry explaining "Ann, I had this reindeer stuffed and his nose painted red to bring smiles to millions of children.  Plus, I loved tracking it down with my snowmobile.  That beast bled for a mile!"  And the world shutters.

Flying pigs are hazardous.  Pigs are not potty trained.  A bird taking a No. 2 on my car really irks me.  A pig taking a No. 2 on my car at 100 feet ... I'll be looking for a new car.

If pigs were able to fly then that also means they need a place to roost.  I would hope that they would go back to their farm for the night but more likely they will want to spread their wings and explore new places; new places that are not pig friendly.  Like Dallas.  Or, heaven forbid, my trees.  My trees will not hold a 300 pound pig.  And, again, I bring up the topic of pigs not being potty trained.

I understand the term "when pigs fly" is not meant to mean "I'll change my stance on the subject as soon as Dr. Crazy finishes splicing the pig and bird genes together successfully".  However, if you ever want to get deep and think about what would happen if pigs flew, hell freezing over, or (worst yet) monkeys actually flying out of your butt it will make you second guess yourself the next time you want to use one of those phrases.

Now, I have to go be productive.  Yeah, right, as soon as Sarah Palin takes office.

No comments: